dealbreaker: You Are Katy Perry Listen, I like a pretty lady as much as the next guy. And, more specifically, I like a brunette with bangs more than the next guy, but this is getting WAY out of hand. You look like what would happen if someone dipped Zooey Deschanel and a funfetti cupcake in a vat of toxic waste and topped it off with a few hundreds pounds of high grade trucker meth. Literally! You LITERALLY look like you were made not from man, but from a Ninja-Turtles-origin-story-esque mistake. And you’re a singer, you say? The pop music you “make” is so homogenized, so devoid of imagination, feeling, and inspiration that it may as well have been produced in a lab by a group of engineers and research scientists. “I Kissed a Girl? Yes, a Facebook poll shows that 87% of female undergraduate students have engaged in that activity (AND enjoyed it), and so it shall be a song”. Good lord. It’s like a loaf of wonder bread became sentient, grew Betty Page bangs and bought a corset.  Also, points deducted for banging the British Dane Cook. I hear that’s the easiest way to contract scurvy in 2010, next to spending time on an actual pirate shit. And one more thing: Your single, solitary, EXCLUSIVE redeeming quality?  You named your cat Kitty Purry.  I’ll forgive the supreme narcissism of naming your cat after yourself in favor of the adorableness of a cat pun. Consider yourself excused FOR NOW, but you’re still on warning.  And for dumping that hot piece of ass Travis McCoy
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Monday, June 7th, 2010

431
NOTES

dealbreaker:

You Are Katy Perry

Listen, I like a pretty lady as much as the next guy. And, more specifically, I like a brunette with bangs more than the next guy, but this is getting WAY out of hand. You look like what would happen if someone dipped Zooey Deschanel and a funfetti cupcake in a vat of toxic waste and topped it off with a few hundreds pounds of high grade trucker meth. Literally! You LITERALLY look like you were made not from man, but from a Ninja-Turtles-origin-story-esque mistake. And you’re a singer, you say? The pop music you “make” is so homogenized, so devoid of imagination, feeling, and inspiration that it may as well have been produced in a lab by a group of engineers and research scientists. “I Kissed a Girl? Yes, a Facebook poll shows that 87% of female undergraduate students have engaged in that activity (AND enjoyed it), and so it shall be a song”. Good lord. It’s like a loaf of wonder bread became sentient, grew Betty Page bangs and bought a corset.  Also, points deducted for banging the British Dane Cook. I hear that’s the easiest way to contract scurvy in 2010, next to spending time on an actual pirate shit.

And one more thing: Your single, solitary, EXCLUSIVE redeeming quality?  You named your cat Kitty Purry.  I’ll forgive the supreme narcissism of naming your cat after yourself in favor of the adorableness of a cat pun. Consider yourself excused FOR NOW, but you’re still on warning.

 And for dumping that hot piece of ass Travis McCoy